Social Media is a great tool. Through social media, you can quantify how many people care about any and every single thing that happens to you. Inversely, you can completely affirm other people with a simple click instead of an actual message of encouragement. If you want to go a step further in your ego-stroking, through social media you are allowed to do so through a public comment (which shows the world how invested you are the other person) or a private DM (which allows you the opportunity to be as aggressively passive as you want). Both of these outlets are much preferable these days to awkward, forced in-person encounters. What’s more, with the implementation of multiple reactions to posts, you can clearly express yourself without hesitating on whether or not to “like” the fact that Still-Sick-Sally’s arm itches, and it might be fatal according to her attached article.

I could go on and on (like a comment section “resolving” gun control) about the just how great social media is. This post, however, is written to inform users of social media on some “do’s” and “don’t’s” regarding social media. Who knows; maybe it will be in the terms of use someday. (This is satire, sarcasm, a jest, but serious).

General

Post once a week and likes will peak.

Post multiple times a day, followers go away. (Unless you’re famous for some reason.)

If your post is an opinion, it generally doesn’t need to be given.

Being direct has great effect.

No one cares what you have to say.

Grammar

When writing a post, ask yourself, “Are these words spelled correctly? Are the words in an order that is coherent? Is this sentence a question? If so, is there a question mark at the end? Does the ending of the verb match the noun it is associated with? Do I know how to type? If yes, am I typing correctly?” A further point: if a word has red underlining, that means it is misspelled and needs to be corrected. If the majority of your words are underlined in red, delete your post.

(A side note to all grammarians on social media: thank you so much for all that you do to ensure everyone’s posts are sensible. Without your endless comments, nobody would understand anybody.)

Formatting

There are a lot of ads in the world. Most people in the world do not avidly read ads. If your post looks like an ad (as most do when you perform a simple “share” without contributing anything original to the post) it probably will not be read that much.

Cute Animals

If people are into that kind of thing, they are more than likely already following the page from which the post you just shared came from. To put things simply, no one cares what you share. They have either already seen it or do not want to see it. You’re just being annoying.

Cooking and Crafts

If you’re not on Pinterest, do not share it.

Your Own Children

Children are a sensitive topic. The easiest thing to do is just to assume everyone in the world thinks that your child is ugly, and the more you post them the more they will be bullied later in life. If something majorly important is happening in the life of your child, then you may post it. If you’re child did something so cute that it would make Simon Cowell break down in to a puddle of tears, then you can post it.

(A further note of advice, if not many people liked your post the first time then even less are going to care when you do a time hop.)

Your Relationship

If you just started a relationship, feel free to share. However, if this is the fifteenth relationship you have had this month or if you are under the age of eighteen no one cares until there’s a ring.

Politics

Just shut up.

In the Event You Are Bored

If you are bored and all your friend and family are too busy to talk, you’re not at work, all the responsibilities life has placed on you are fulfilled, all the trash in your neighborhood is picked up, you’ve read every book in the world, you’ve wrestled through life’s mystifying riddles, and have expended all available calories in your body: STILL DO NOT POST ABOUT IT.

(This includes you savvy people with your “question of the day”.)

In the Event You Are Upset

If there is something that really upsets you there are options outside of posting on social media. My suggestion is to start a blog and rant your little heart out.

Thanks for the read! Please share, like, subscribe, and tell a friend! Thaaaaaaaaanks 🙂

(Also, don’t do that either if you manage your own page. Just stop.)